The mind of a Chckn

I have made a slight return to livejournal because, well, I am so incredibly bored.

Update time:

Less than two months now until I graduate...I can feel graduation hard-on growing with each passing day. Rented my cap and gown; wore my alumni shirt. Yes, it was incredibly pretentious of me...oh well.

On the other side of the coin, school is kicking my ass. They're not kidding when they say 19 credits is fucking hard.

Sara and I are doing great. She is a much welcomed source of joy and satisfaction in my life. After spending almost a week with her, I actually miss her more than usual.

Cats are cute as ever.

Dog and I are getting along better.

MetroPCS sucks ass.

I miss my family hardcore. I cant wait until Thanksgiving. I'd like to go down there sooner, but because of car jazz, I cannot safely do so. Thankfully, I'll be able to be down in Miami for almost a week. 8D

My car is giving me lots of trouble. Jordy needs some lovin, but I dont know how to give it to him. Stripped bolts make oil changes a wee bit tougher.


It'll be sad to leave the friends I have here in Orlando, but I honestly cant wait to go home. Mostly, I cant wait to get out of my apartment.

After spending all morning getting 10 achievement points, Ive decided I dislike XBox itensely...I need like 700 points like now.

These past couple months ive learned a hell of alot about life, liberty, and all that jazz.

I have a Kagi...he/she is the greatest Kagi ever.

Call of Duty 4 needs to come out right about now! In other news, I am deeply saddened by the level of suck displayed by Halo 3. The coolness of it lasted for about two weeks.

I expect the next month or so to make it so that I get minimal to no girlfriend time. Le sigh.

I need to keep looking hardcore style for a job. Neither Mom nor Sara will accept me not having money.

Now, Im off to clean...because there isnt much else to do.

So the semester is over,but the truth is, I'm not really very happy about it. I loved my professors, I loved going to class, I loved the things I learned. Today was my Educational Implications of Deafness professor's last day, and I'm incredibly sad about that. The way everyone fawned over Mr. Kendall is how I feel about this professor. She is the best teacher I've had. Ever. Because UCF won't get their fucking act together, she can't keep working at the salary they're offering to her. So I'm definitely upset about it, but I guess the silver lining is that she's going to get the pay and recognition she deserves at another University. This teacher helped me solidify my desire to work with the Deaf community. She resurfaced the desire to go to Gallaudet. She opened my eyes to how complex the situation of educating a deaf child is. And she made me realize that it is useless to play the blame game. This is life; we all have to live with the choices we make. We can choose certain things, and it may not seem like the best idea....but if we commit to it, then things can truly be accomplished. She is an absolutely wonderful professor, and although in a few months, she may not remember me, I will never forget her. I wish her the best of luck in her life.

"What is the largest species of polar bear?"
"...the largest feces of WHAT?!"
"...no, species of bear..."
"WHALE SHARK!"


"el chochalate que no se derrite en tu mano si no en tu boca!"



"I love you like ladybugs love....ladies."

“So I think it’s pretty cool that my wardrobe is so eclectic like I have women’s clothes, girls clothes, little boys clothes, mens clothes…its great.”
“Yeah, there’s a word for that: amdrogyny”
“Androgyny?”
“That’s what I said androgymny.”

“Did you know the ear was an erogenous zone? I would’ve never thought so, but it really is.”
“Erogenous? I don’t know what you said but take it back…it was mean.”


More crazy frickin conversations to come later

So I don't usually come on this thing because of myspace...sorry LJ...you will always be my first love.

First off, I love my classes this semester. All of my professors are fantastic, and I'm excited at all the work I'll be doing.

That being said, I've been thinking a lot about the things my professors have brought to my attention. My anatomy professor said "It is a privelege to have someone allow you to help them." That got me pretty good just because...well, it makes sense. It is not your right to impose all of your knowledge and training on someone else. And outside of the field it works, as well. You can offer to listen, to be there for someone all the time, but if they do not want to open up to you...there's really nothing you can do about that. It made me feel lucky to have someone people think highly enough of me to tell me the things that hurt them, the things that make them tick. And I felt equally lucky to have so many people who I could tell my secrets to.

Another professor said to me that "Your attitude defines your altitude." And although it is kind of proverb-esque, it made me think about how many times people, including myself, eff themselves over because of their attitude. Something happens and you can either choose to cry and complain about it, or you can deal with it.

My counseling professor talked about all the different ways of couneling people, and we talked about existentialism. Basically, for those who dont know, existentialism is all about freedom of choice and taking responsibility for one's actions. It also postulates that we are individuals experiencing life on our own in a hostile or indifferent universe. He said that "sometimes things have to die for other things to grow." Now, in the example he use, he literally meant death and growth, but he also meant that when relationships, dreams, lifestyles, pre-conceived notions die, it is an opportunity for other things to happen. We, as a society, fear death so much that we avoid talking about it, thinking about it, and even when he just asked us to write our obituaries, a lot of people were uncomfortable with it. It amazed me, and I couldn't really say any different for myself. Burying 5 mice woke me up to this different kind of sadness and frustration that comes with death. Figuratively, we all try to hold onto things are going to die because we're afraid of the unknown, but if one stayed with something that was dead, it would just rot and fester and be...something that it wasn't ever supposed to be.

Finally, on my quote-a-rama, there is what my beloved Education with Deafness professor said. She told us at the beginning of the semester that we will see and read about a lot of things that will frustrate and anger us. We would rue the day that these people existed. But she also said that whatever information we came across, we had to remember that "There is no right and wrong; there is only a spectrum of choices." What a fantastic concept. So many times we are pigeonholed into a situation being something right or wrong when in fact, it's gray. So much in this world is gray. And it isn't a good idea for us to put life in such rigid terms. It's good to be fluid.

Well, its off to class with me. Have a great day...or dont...your choice.

So basically my life has been in quite an upheaval for pretty much the last month, and I can't complain...not even for a second. This break was hectic, sleep depriving, butterflies in the stomach, emotional, and rage inducing.

My brother got married
George and Michelle are expecting another kid
Sam turned two
I had the fear of almost losing my best friend
The joy of having her back in my life
Being scared shitless and wanting to kill when someone tried to hurt her.
Realizing that sometimes you have to let go of something or someone you really care about for their own benefit, no matter what the cost to you.
Understanding that judgments about others doesn't really accomplish anything.
Having someone rely on you is a gift to be treasured.
I really really don't like shopping.
Sadness at my broken Wii
Guilt about making most of the Chamberlain's sick.
Being sick throughout most of the break.
Laughing at myself when I do embarrassing things like shooting out boogers right in the middle of Goodwill.
Riding on an ATV
Trying to overcome a fear of heights...that got worse..heh.
Trying to find the good moments in even the hardest situations.

The thing that I got out of this whole break was that time spent with people is precious. A brother you almost never see or a friend you see everyday, it's all important. We never know how long these relationships will last, or how long these people will be in our lives. All a person can really do is be thankful for the time they have with people. Sometimes certain things have to end, but instead of focusing on the fact it ended, I'm just thankful that they happened.

Enough...babbling...have an awesome day everyone.

It makes me feel good that someone knows a few of the secrets I've kept so hidden...and I never said a word...they just somehow knew.

Yesterday was a great day...

Acid reflux is the devil.
So is lactose intoleranceism.

In less than a week I should be home.

And I've learned that some people are like vortexes, once you feel for them they just suck you in...and when you dont even care anymore, they find someway to keep you in their vortex. It happened over a year ago...I'm over it...but it just rubbed me the wrong way that someone else got hurt like I did. Karma is a bitch.

Hehe, and I decided I should just make my 2nd wife Georgia... so that way i really will never get bow chicka bow bow.

Bought those BK Xbox games...they're awesoome. Go get them.

Take the lead was better the 2nd time around...woot

Want to buy Superman Returns...must resist urge!!

Off to study...finals time!
Wish everybody good luck on your finals!

So Im not much of a typer when it comes to this thing. I was once...and now I do other jazz....like play Wii or do homework or something...

Anyway, its been kind of a tough week. Lots and lots of fighting... but fighting gets shit out in the open. Now that I know how you feel...I won't have the worry of meeting some pretty acenine expectations.

I did, however,learn where most of my insecurities come from, and now that I know, I can work on it.

1 final down...4 to go.

A couple friends came over and we played Wii and watched Shaun of the Dead. It was a great night, to say the least.

I'm starting to worry less about where my heart is at...and Im glad that Im not fretting about every little thing...but at the same time...I know that its quite chaotic in there...but its never organized anyway.

In the market for a digital camera...with an SD memory card...

Georgia is most likely sick...vet time...when i have the money.

Tired...

Off to stop procrastinating and finish some homework.

So seriously...myspace sucks...i try to write a blog about some of the shit thats going on in my life, part of it having to do with me being conflicted about Randy, and it tells him that hes not on my preferred list....sigh....so now he is...minus the commentary...fuck...now i have to go back and delete some blogs...im glad i wrote this down

5 minutes later....its all good now

There is no peace or calm in my heart...there is pretty much emotional crap upon emotional crap.

Stratty and i got the apartment...woo hoo!

im goin to keep dating randy...but after him, im probably going to take a break from dating... and im probably just only going to date women... because I hate hurting guys like this...there is this wall that I just cant get past...i like him...i really do...and when we kiss..i feel something...but when he gets out of the car...there is an afterthought... and thats about it. Then, until he calls me or i call him, i dont really think about him. And whenever he wants to do something...its like I have to prep for being alone with him. i just...i just dont feel safe around him. I mean, hes the nicest, coolest, sweetest guy and hes being so understanding... but there are really only four men I trust in this world: my brothers, victor, and nick. I honestly dont think there is a guy that isnt victor or nick that I could date successfully. Nick is too young for me and Victor is obsessed with asian women.

Im so effing frustrated with my life right now; i just want it to be the 12th of December already...i want to stop....thinking for 1 day...

I've given everything that I could to my family...I'm doing the best I can as a friend...Im trying to do well in school...trying to deal with all the things going on ym head that I just cant talk to anyone about...everyone's involved somehow...trying to be a good "girlfriend"....

I'm doing my best but the expectations just keep building...and i dont know what the hell to do. People have this incredible expectation that im just this awesome person who sticks by her morals and knows exactly what to say in every situation... but i havent stuck by shit and I dont know what to say to anyone anymore.

I was going to call Sandra when she was upset...but what would I have said to her? what could I have done for her? I was going to send Claudia a message on myspace since i dont have her number...but I had nothing to add...nothing that couldve been useful, really. An ex was possibly sick with something friendship couldnt fix...and all i could say was good luck...my mom constantly expects me to say the right thing when she comes to me with problems...but I dont have anything...my stored wisdom is long gone...now im just this shell that gets up, plays with the cat, goes to class, schmoozes with the roommate, and goes to bed...completely unproductive...just...useless...

When I have the time...i dont have the energy...when I have the energy...I dont have the time...

I want to start fucking living my life...this thing I have right now isnt shit.

The truth of the matter is...
I have no idea.

The thing that I am most certain of in the world is that I love my family and friends....and that's about as far as I know.

I wonder about everything else because everything else is gray area.

I don't want to hurt him, but I dont' want to miss him, either.
And I can't have her or her or her.
Was he just process of elimination?

I'm trying not be so...cold...but thats just me. You know I love you by the way I act...by the things I say...why isnt it enough? I'm so random about the people I like to touch...and not in a sexual way...jsut in a general, huggy, touching kind of way. Lol, my mom asked me if I was autistic...

It all builds and builds and I want to feel safe again... but i dont find safety or comfort in the arms that want to hold me. I miss... the feeling of laying next to someone and knowing its okay to be the girl without the bubble.

I remember someone told me once that everyone in the world could be in love with you, but if you dont feel the same way, then what can you do?... I guess I always to heart.

Maybe I'm just a greedy bastard. Meh, back to studying.

I've been thinking for the past couple of days about these boundaries that I set up. There are things I'll do and things I won't do, and it's black and white. I logically deduce that things are gray, and I can say that when others do things that whatever they do is their own business, with the rare exception when those actions will clearly physically or mentally hurt someone else. For myself, however, things are black and white. I try to prevent or get out of situations where I can see someone getting hurt, so I don't do it. It's not so simple, though. I think of all the possible consequences that my actions have, and I end up punking out of so much shit. Sometimes its worked out in my favor, but I'm starting to wonder if its been more than a hinderance than a helpful filter.

Interestingly enough, I've been playing Fable: The Lost Chapters for the past few days. If youre not familiar with it, its a game where all your actions have consequences: how people treat you, how you look, the amount of money you make, the kinds of spells you can learn, etc. I came upon a bunch of quests where I went in "doing the right thing" but found out that the "right thing" was actually undeserved malice or miscommunication, and the like.

I like things traditional. I like ideals, and I've always been optimistic about them coming true. The big shit, not A+'s on every single exam or anything like that. I wish things were like that, but my ideals and my logical middle ground always collide.

I think of others so much before I do things, but I also have alot of selfish tendencies. Like I shouldnt do this; I cant believe I did that and so on and so forth.

I have to learn that I shouldnt be so hard on myself. I set standards for myself much higher than I do for everyone else. There are so many reasons why I am how I am. A lot of my beliefs and thoughts contradict eachother, but I need to be okay with contradiction. I need to be okay with never reaching the ideal. I need to be okay with me. I need to just let myself breathe for one second. And I definitely need to not torture myself with every action I take.

This is rather long....and incredibly self-absorbed, so at the end of this blog, I want you to think of fuzzy animals.

Good day.

In class today, everyone is talking, laughing, smiling, and it boggles me. It is supposed to be a sad day. We should honor the memory of those who suffered because of 9/11... because we all suffered. We all lost something that day. Yes, more people die of cancer, AIDS, heart disease, car accidents each year than died on that day, but its the principle of the thing.

A lot of people hate us in other parts of the world, but it was only a group of people who decided that this purpose in destroying us was worth their lives. I dont mean to make the attacks any less devastating than they are/were... but, such extreme religious beliefs should make many people take a step back and look at their own extreme beliefs. They believed that Allah's purpose for them was to kill Americans and destroy American morale. We've all seen this extremism here at home. No sex before marriage, the undoing of Roe v Wade, gay marriage,the closing of our borders to hispanics, and on and on. Just let bygones be bygones. All of these things dont affect the people who are fighting them so diligently. If you dont want to have sex before marriage...DON'T! If you dont like the idea of contraception...DONT USE ANY! If you dont want to terminate a pregnancy...THAT'S UP TO YOU! You dont want to marry a homosexual... THEN DONT GO WEARING FLANNEL!

I know that I am not free from judgement; I have my own prejudices and the like. But I try. I truly try and respect others and allow them to have their own opinions.

People seem to obsess over color, sex, ethinicity, orientation, but think about this way, someone out there who doesnt know you doesnt like you because of these things.

I guess my main thing is that if people tried to see things a little differently then it would bode well for all of us.

FUCK!!!

*sigh*

In other news, I spent the day with Mom, George, and Sam. Needless to say, it was a wonderful day. I really missed them... and today was a perfect indication of why I miss them so much when im gone. George and co are moving up to Orlando this year...YAY!!!! Looking at Sam makes me want to do backflips.

Mom and I are actually hanging out, and we're enjoying eachother's company. It's wonderful. I can actually joke around with her. I think my mom has finally accepted that I'm not the kind of girl she wanted, but I can still be the kind of daughter she wants.

I'm very much looking forward to the next few months.

As per my kitty, gorgeous and absolutely adorable. I love her.

The Crew is just an amazing group of people. Yes, there's drama and such, but we're all very strongly opinionated people. It happens, but for my part, I will always love them.

Work is fabulous...the goat beat me up. Yes, it was damn hilarious...but still bruise inducing. I like a job where I can be myself, sans the cursing, of course. I will learn horse stuff this summer!

Well, Im going to try and sleep now. Goodnight and sweet dreams, all.

Oh and to Jenny F.: Maybe you should buy him wee wee pads. I hope he stops frustrating you. Good luck with everything. 8D

I have the most amazing people in my life.

So, at this very moment, Im trying desperately to not study...why? Because im a moron.

There's been so much drama going on around me and in my life, lately. It's slightly overwhelming. I'm so ready to go home. BUT FIRST, Ria and co are coming up for the weekend. Y'all have no idea how excited I am about this.

It's funny, I talk to the professor about the job...and he says dont take the job, but this morning I get a call from them...to give me an interview...he says call me in the Fall...and they say come in today...hilarious...and I knew it would happen, too. As soon as I leaned towards any decision, the other would bite me in the ass...BUT...its been decided. Im coming home next Monday...and thank goodness for it.

its not that i dont like where im at right now. Theres just alot of stuff i need to take a breather from...ive been stuck between Miami and Orlando for the past 3 years. Stuff's always going down somewhere, and I am only too willing to help. Miami is my home...Orlando is where I'm going to school...the end.

And it sucks that the things you want to write about most are the things you cant...

Victor and I were talking last night about the girl who's been bulletined alot on myspace. The girl who was stabbed at her job. What a horrible act. What an intense thing to read about...and to read the messages her friends left her... the amount of violence in this world is sickening. But out of this, we can all learn something. We're not the self-absorbed, apathetic "youngsters" people think we are. So many times I hear older people say how little they think of people who are about my age. Yes, we make mistakes and alot of the time, we do kinda dumb things. Yes, we are procrastinators extraordinaire. Yes, most of the time we'd rather read what's on our friend's LJ's than read a newspaper, but for the most part we are good people. Some who never even met this girl sent her and her friends messages and letters offering their condolences. Out of this tragedy we can find some good. Her story touched thousands of people. I know that I felt something in my chest when I read her story, and it makes me wonder how much the actions of one person you dont even know can affect you. Maybe our actions can have that same effect. Most of this is so that it can make sense why these sort of things happen.

I've felt rather preachy lately...and thats probably how this came out...I've just seen so much disrespect for people in the past few months that it gets to me. People that I care for....it just sucks...

Have a wonderful day, guys and gals.

no more bitching...

Talking with Sandrita helped alot... thank you sandrita.

Im a lucky bastard... that should be the end of that.

One girl shouldnt cause me grief. If shes for me then it will remain to be seen...if shes not, then no sweat off my back.

And thats the last ill talk about her.


Both my aunts are doing better...thank goodness.

Still dont know where im going to be after May 1st...but this is just another excercise in patience.

Everything happens for a reason.

im going to try to be less of a whiney person from now on... im lucky...im so frickin lucky... the person will come when they come...the end.

Goodnight and sweet dreams, everyone.

So this thing autosaved this entry that I didnt post because i thought it had deleted...apparantly in all the days I did not post it...it copied itself...twelve times... very odd

SO, after taking my ab psych test, I realized that I know nothing about drugs...literally...nothing...its like its impossible for my mind to retain information on it...so I dont think I'll be getting that A I desired in AB Psych...oh well, a B+ is pretty good too.

Since quitting Wal-Mart, Ive felt much happier and more relaxed. Thank goodness, I needed to de-stress. However, if someone knows of someway that I can make some cash before April 31st, yall let a sista know. Worst case scenario Ill have to borrow money from my mom...oh do I not want to do that.

Things with jessica didn't work out...which makes me sad...but I just can't be with someone who disrespects me so much without even realizing. I mean, alot of people joke around with me and sass me...and thats fine...but to offer to help with her homework, stay on the phone for an hour with her while i was exhausted, try and comfort her while shes sick, and then have her basically hang up on me because I wouldnt read her a poem? eff that. For 20 minutes I said, I kept telling her that I really didnt want to do it. and still she persisted. Whatever, women are nuts. And this is no offense to the women who are my friends... when we're friends...the crazy involves other people and Im the third party listener...when Im trying to date you... women become the monolith of crazy.

Stratty says i have incredibly high expectations of people...and why shouldnt I? I believe that everyone is equal, so everyone has the ability to be wonderful. Why shouldn't I want that in someone I'm with?

While riding around all over Orlando Saturday, Steph and I found this video game place. We bought A nintendo, a gamecube memory card, a brand-new SNES controller, Prince of Persia: Warrior Within, FF: Dawn of Souls, Jackal, Simon's Quest, Dr. Mario, and various cords for the PS1. Yeah...we went a little nuts.

anyway, in much better news, I may be working out as a tutor for autistic and differently abled children. Part of my curriculum is going to be teaching them sign language and working with the parents for a bit to get them to learn some signs. Im so incredibly excited about this. If I get it, it would be better than any other job I could get here right now. And if I wanted to take some days off, I could just reschedule, you know? Its awesome...uber happy chick = stacey

May 1st Im coming home, and Ive decided Im going to stay until right after the beginning of August or after the 2nd oncology camp, whichever comes first. That way I can spend some summer time with the autistic kiddies before their school starts.

Okay, this is long enough. Have a wonderful day, everyone.

In theatre survey right now...very bored...not feeling well

Days I have not yakked up my spleen: 1, sadly

Spring Break was awesome; I had an amazing spring break. Now I'm in Orlando...very bored....feeling very blech

My last night in town was incredibly memorable. I felt bad for my liquoresque projectiles, but everyone said I shouldnt be. One last time, I'll apologize for anyone who had to see me naked...

Yes, so Im gonna re-introduce myself as the dancing FIEND because apparantly, I am unstoppable on the dance floor.

And I must say, I will get on my soapbox...guys, of late, are frustrating me. Did you really think asking me how many girls i fucked would actually make me want to talk to you? Even if you did say I was hot, does that give you the right to ask me personal questions that I barely divulge to anyone? And anyway you say it, it all ends up being that question. Yes, I like taco and sausage but im not some permiscious girl who opens her mouth like she spreads her legs.

I cherish, above all, respect for myself and others, so yes, I may have overreacted but i dont regret giving thoses assholes a piece of my mind.

Other guys I know just make me want to throw things at them with the way they're behaving. I heard about alot of jazz while I was down in Miami, and all I can say is that my opinion is out there...and I hope everything works out like its supposed to.

The End

Lordie! So it's been a long week, but a really great week, too! Monday, I went to Good Hope, ate some Denny's with Anais and the Wife, spent some time with my mom and brother and entourage, and then went clubbing with wife, sister in law, and anice. I had an awesome time doing all that jazz.

Tuesday, I worked (yes, Ive been working on my vacation...sigh), and I ended up Karaoking with Steph and Jess. I also got to see Nelly and Gina, whom I missed very much. Steph and I sang "Baby Got Back", and I must say...we absolutely rocked.

Wednesday I worked and went out to dinner with my aunt, brother, and cousins for a belated birthday dinner...it was hilarious. Once the pictures started being taken, everyone had a great time. my aunt ordered me a huge margarita that I didnt drink all of because i knew id be driving, but I thanked her anyway. George ended up driving because im such a softy for him, so I was like "fuck...why didnt you tell me you were going to drive before?" Well, either way, I had plans after dinner to go to the alehouse with the crew, so I needed to be sober for that drive. Had a fucking awesome time...my friends are so wonderful.

Thursday, I worked and spent some time with my mom talking about jazz and taking care of my FAFSA, which PS...if you havent done yet...is due the 31st of this month, and then I got dressed to go to the Fair. I was disappointed in the ride selection of the fair this year, but I had a wonderful time with Victor, Ria, and Steph...again, I love them so much. Even Victor, who left my arm rather tender...but its okay because i accidentally punched him in the face. Talked to Dianna and went to the Diner to see her because that was the only time Id see her all week, and we had some laughs...couldnt stay long.

Im leaving Sunday, but Im so excited about the next two days....*happy hum* I love my family, friends, and Good Hope...everyone else in this town can kiss my ass...

PS....I miss Steph and the kitty oodles though, and I hope i have a job when i get back...lordie

I am not looking forward to the drive back...*le sigh*

well, that was the cliff's notes version of all the jazz thats happened while ive been in Miami, but ive been known to ramble tons and give way too much background and jazz, so the story becomes impossibly long...so goodnight and sweet dreams, everyone.

So yesterday, this girl gave me the "bedroom eyes" at work...and this chick was really good-looking...and I have to admit...i felt it right in my chest...no ones looked at me like that in a really long time, and on top of making my mind and heart race...i felt really great afterwards.

And then last night before I passed out, I felt so lonely. It's been 6 months since I've really felt connected to someone, and now that I'm completely over Sara, I feel disconnected. Like holding onto another chance of an "us" was keeping me facing the truth: that I was alone. And now here I am, content that I dont have to carry the weight of loving her and knowing she doesnt love me, and I wish I could hold someone...really hold them...just to know I still can.

Tommorow Im going to Miami, and I am so ecstatic about it.

The thing ive figured out is that "yeah, im lonely' but Im not sad or depressed. Right now, I'm just single but other things in my life are great.

And my cat has a vagina on her head...

The end

Hey, I called the lady...everything is set up...ill talk to you more about it tonight...i need a favor...and i cant use my phone...over my minutes...i need you to message me back with all the words Iliana can say, please send it as soon as you can...i have to finish this project before work at 6.